How to Ease the Pressure and Still Make Progress

My clients come to me overwhelmed, confused about next steps, and in need of some TLC. Typically the last thing they need is for me to add more pressure to help them reach their goals. Coaching as a profession is waking up to this reality, and many of us are now choosing to frame what we used to call accountabilities as experiments. 

Thinking about life as a series of experiments can make a huge difference. So, don your metaphorical lab coats and goggles and imagine with me the implications of this frame.

Side note: I'm making two big assumptions here: 1. my client is acting with good intentions; 2. he is in relatively good mental and physical health, or if he does have health problems, he is under the care of the appropriate medical professional. 

Let's say a client wants to improve his physical fitness and has summoned up the courage to experiment with running. He finds a Couch to 5K program that looks like a good fit, and goes for it. And the next time I talk with him he is really disappointed in himself. He tells me he failed. He could barely make it through the first step in the program, and can't imagine doing the next one.

As his coach I'll likely hold back from talking to make sure he has said everything he needs to say about his run. Then, I'll ask him to what the high- and low-lights of his run were. Here is what my fictional client reports:

• His shoes were uncomfortable.
• There were some beautiful trees along his running path.
• All he wanted to do was give up, but he finished it.
• His old gym teacher barked in his ear about how slow he was the whole time he ran.
• He felt better when he was walking.

Now we (me the coach, you my trusty sidekick in a lab coat and goggles) have some information to help the client learn more about what kind of exercise resonates with him. We know he appreciates beautiful trees and he's cool with walking. We know his old gym teacher's critical voice lingers in his ear, he may not have the right shoes for the job, and at times he felt like giving up, but he ultimately finished the the first step of the program.

Here's where things get fun in a coaching session. As a coach I work on the premise that everyone is creative, resourceful, and whole. It's not my job to fix the client based on the information he gives me. I'm there to ask powerful questions about the experiment to find out what is going to empower him to keep exercising. 

This guy may decide he wants to buy some new shoes, consider a walking program, join a nature walking club, wear ear buds and blast Pantera the next time he runs, or decide he was being too hard on himself and give the first step another go without changes. At this point, whatever floats his boat and gets him jazzed up about exercising is what I care about. I want him to exercise and have fun while he does it, because it's his goal, and if he is having fun, he is all the more likely to do it. 

My favorite boss so far is an internationally renown scientist. One of of the traits I most appreciate about him was his willingness to treat much of life as an experiment. He never fully scraps any endeavor. Once he wrote a piece on a highly technical subject that his audience didn't understand. Instead of blaming the intellect of the audience, he told me his experiment had failed to communicate the subject properly, and set about re-writing it. He didn't beat himself up about it; he moved forward. The man has published more papers in prestigious journals than anyone I know.

What if as you move along the stream of action that is your life you chose to experiment rather than succeed, fail, achieve, slack off? What would it look like? My experience is experimenting takes the pressure off. See what you think. Lab coats and goggles are optional. 

How to Chuck Your Inner Critic Out the Window

The gremlin. Everyone has one. I'll probably get a visit right before I am about to publish this post. I know him well enough to predict what he will say: no one is going to read this! Today I'll likely let him have his say, and then tell him to go read some scholarly articles in French to keep himself busy. Other days, read low energy days, he can have a stronger hold. 

One of my clients decided she wanted to compost her gremlin because "it's all energy." I thought that was brilliant. 

I'm a child of the 80s, so in the spirit of the movie Gremlins, I decided to make a list of the cast of characters my gremlin likes to play to shed some light on him and kill him (errrr . . . I mean, compost him). I'll share some of the characters with you, and the tasks I like to assign his various manifestations. 

• Punk rock gremlin. He usually shows up when I'm about to be vulnerable and feel like a cheeseball. I usually tell him to go listen to Henry Rollins. And make it loud. 
• Skeptical gremlin. She usually shows up when I'm about to be vulnerable and don't think I'm smart enough. I tell her to go read the Revue Neurologique. 
• Poor house gremlin. He usually shows up when I'm feeling financially vulnerable. I tell him to go outside and look for pennies to put in his piggy bank. 
• Hipster gremlin. She usually shows up when I'm feeling vulnerable, not creative, and totally style deficient. I tell her to go look at Chloe Sevigny's Instagram. 
• Eco warrior gremlin. He usually shows up when I feel vulnerable because I have made an environmental compromise that doesn't match my ideal. I tell him to go scrub the tub with a toothbrush and vinegar. 
• Raw foodist gremlin. She shows up when I'm feeling vulnerable about my health, and am convinced that eating clean will solve all my problems. I assign her to a lifetime of chopping fruit and vegetables. 

Notice the theme here? My gremlin is trying to protect me from vulnerability. I suspect I'm not alone is this regard. I have to thank the little stinker for working so hard, but frankly his work is terrible and keeps me down. I can't let him be in charge. 

I'm letting my inner wisdom be in charge (gremlin, go listen to Henry Rollins). I call her Sophia (get it?). She's rad. I'd love to help you find yours. I can't make the gremlin go away, but I can help you name him and tell him where to go.

Grow Toward the Light

Today's post is inspired by a Ram Dass quote. 

"I often use this image, which I think I have used already, but let me say it again. That when you go out into the woods and you look at trees, you see all these different trees. And some of them are bent, and some of them are straight, and some of them are evergreens, and some of them are whatever. And you look at the tree and you allow it. You appreciate it. You see why it is the way it is. You sort of understand that it didn’t get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don’t get all emotional about it. You just allow it. You appreciate the tree."

We've all been exposed to varying degrees of nurturing, light, connection, and yet, each of us has this creative life to work with and craft -- I'll be the first to admit that it is much more difficult for some than others. 

The heart of my practice is helping to guide people toward their innate creativity and wisdom, no matter how bent, evergreen or deciduous. 

The Single Most Important Thing You Can Do to Be Healthy

"Walking is man's best medicine." -Hippocrates 

I love this RSA on preventative medicine (the video is embedded below). It frames 30 minutes of activity a day (primarily walking) as the single most important thing we can do for our health. And it doesn't have to be done in 30 consecutive minutes. An even more astonishing frame is that only one hour of activity a week can cut our risk of heart disease by almost one half. Activity can help diminish the effects of depression, anxiety, arthritis. It's amazing.

I don't know about you, but this rocks my world. Time is one of the most precious commodities in my life, and to know I can create my own medicine by simply walking for approximately 30 minutes per day feels like a gift, and such a relief. You don't have to compete in a triathlon to heal yourself. You can if you want to, but you don't have to.  

For those of you who can't walk, talk to your physician about adaptations. Activity is by no means limited to waking, or legs, for that matter. 

Life offers us so many small ways to heal our wounds and come back to ourselves that doesn't require anything more than what we already have. It seems like magic -- real magic. 

Tiny Shifts Create Big Differences

Happy 2016!

New Year, new ways. Or so the media and diet industry would like us to believe. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against setting resolutions for the new year, but what I am against is the cycle of setting resolutions that end in self-flagellation for buying a gym membership you never use, gaining weight on a new diet, or snapping at a co-worker when you have tried oh-so-hard to stay positive all day long. 

There's good research out there on how to set resolutions that work for you instead of against you. Laura Kastner, Ph.D., one of my favorite parenting experts, has written a great article on six evidence-based steps that make resolutions stick. This article in particular is for parents, but it works for anyone. 

I definitely think Dr. Kastner is on to something, and I think the six steps she lists will work well for you.

However, my experience as a life coach has led me to see that lasting positive change can also come from a deeper place that begins with a tiny shift in perception. 

I am going to use myself as an example so I don't get into trouble with any of my clients.When I took the Via Survey on Character, I discovered that an attitude of gratitude was one of my relative weaknesses. I'd done gratitude lists before, but basically found them to be yet another thing to do. I found myself deeply resenting my so-called gratitude lists. They were more like resentment lists of forced positivity. I gave up on gratitude.

Fast forward a number of months and I was listening to Brene Brown talk about the relationship between vulnerability and gratitude, and it hit me: when I feel intensely vulnerable, a hit of gratitude will bring me right back to the center of myself where I feel whole and fully alive. So, I tried it. The next time I played with my son and found myself worrying about if he will get sick and die before me, I reminded myself that a dose of gratitude was in order. My vulnerability was an indicator that I was 100% in love with and grateful for my son's presence in my life. There's nothing I can do to prevent him from dying before me, but I can know how grateful I am to have him here. 

Wow!

So what does this tiny (well, not so tiny, really) shift in my perception have to do with creating change? I can think of a few positive consequences off the top of my head. 1. I can make this shift without props, money, a gym membership, or clearing time in my calendar. 2. The well-being I feel when I am flushed with gratitude inspires me to make healthier eating choices, go for a walk instead of bingeing on Nurse Jackie (guilty!), or to remember to tell my husband and son just how much I love them.

What tiny shift is waiting for you? I'd love to help you find it. Drop me a line. 

How to See Your Successes

These days I am over-the-top inspired by Emily Harrington, a professional rock climber who also alpine skis and has summited Mt. Everest. I first came across her during a trip down the Instagram rabbit home, and I’m totally psyched the fates led me to her.

She’s only the second woman to send Yosemite’s El Capitan. If you want to have your socks knocked off, take 16 minutes to watch this epic video of her climb that took six days (she slept on the wall, people) and was the culmination of 40 pitches.

Here’s what I love about Emily: She celebrates her successes as well as her failures. She’s as real as it gets. I love to watch her climb and then fall. She yells, groans, even cries. She says she can’t do it anymore. Sometimes she can’t. Over a year ago she and a group of fellow elite climbers attempted to summit Hkakabo Razi in Myanmar, only to be forced to turn back due to a serious lack of food and severe weather conditions. And she made it up Golden Gate despite some serious self-doubt.

But here's the thing: she digs deep and either finds it in herself to succeed or to fail. Either way it is a culmination of her choices, and the climb continues or she decides to descend. Either way she still counts the journey.

I can’t count the number of times I didn’t give myself credit when I was younger for putting myself out there – despite the odds, despite my inexperience, despite the fact that I was terrified. These days I’m rocking a reframe: I’ve done solid work over the years, even if I haven't been rewarded in the traditional ways (money, fame, a Jaguar, a publishing contract, you get the picture). I’m glad to have finally have learned at 40 what Emily figured out way before me (she just turned 29 this year).

True, we won’t all be Emily Harringtons, but that isn’t the point. The point is, what epic adventures have you discounted in your life, and are you ready to reclaim them? If you did, what would your new story look like?